


Secrets, Prayers, and Promises

by lacewingss



Category: Dragon Age II
Genre: Declarations Of Love, F/M, Fluff, Love Confessions, faith and love, sebastian vael positive
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-23
Updated: 2015-09-23
Packaged: 2018-04-23 00:02:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,442
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4855652
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lacewingss/pseuds/lacewingss
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ida Hawke has been avoiding Sebastian for a few weeks now. When Varric tells him the reason for her absence Sebastian is faced with a difficult choice and must confront his own feelings about the mage and how she fits in with his vows as a brother of the Chantry. </p><p>(yeah yeah the title is based off a john denver song I can't come up with titles to save my life)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Secrets, Prayers, and Promises

Even in Lowtown Sebastian could hear the pealing of the Chantry bells. They called the devout to afternoon service, which by now he was certainly missing. It was little concern at the moment though as he had other pressing matters on his mind.

His steps led him through the small market and towards his destination – one which flourished in Lowtown day or night. The Hanged Man rose into view, it's sun faded sign as welcome a sight as any. Perhaps here he would find the answer he sought. There was a time in his life such a place could have given him all the answers he wanted, be it the ones he truly needed or not. Those times were long past however, and when he walked through the door into the dim light of the tavern he felt nothing but the urge to continue on with his task.

The Maker must have been on his side this day as he spotted Varric sitting by the bar with only a quick scan of the large room. It wasn't who he was looking for exactly, but if anyone could help Sebastian find Hawke it would be him.

He made it to the counter before Varric noticed and greeted him with his usual displeasure. Ida had assured him many times it was all in jest, yet Sebastian still could not tell the difference in the dwarf’s mock distaste and his _real_ feelings.

“Well, look what the cat dragged in. What are you doing here Sebastian, get lost on your way to the Chantry?”

“I do come here from time to time you know. The food is quite good.” Sebastian offered a smile in return to Varric's slight frown; there was no need to counter with more hostility. Besides, he did have a valid answer to the question. “I've come for a different reason though. I was looking for Lady Hawke and thought perhaps I would find her here.”

“Looking for Princess and you didn't think to try her house? You know, where she lives?”

“I did.” The truth was that by now he had little expectation of finding her home when he called on her there. He had tried more than a handful of times over the past two weeks but at each attempt came away with only the knowledge that she was out or had just laid down to rest. Once he did catch sight of her giant mabari just beyond the doorway and the sweet sound of Ida's voice calling for it, but still the dwarf acting as her attendant did not permit him inside. “She wasn't home, nor has she been when I've tried the last few times.”

The concern in Sebastian's expression was clear. Ida's sudden disappearance from his life was troubling – had he done something to offend her? Only weeks ago they had spent a great deal of their time together and now, well, whatever the reason for the change he wished to find out. “She hasn't been to the Chantry in some time either. It's not like her to just disappear like this. I want to make sure she's well.”

A look crossed Varric's face that was mixed pity and apprehension. Sebastian could make no sense of it, nor the way the dwarf shook his head in resignation and motioned to the empty seat next to him. “Oh, Maker's balls, come sit down kid.”

Sebastian obeyed, if a bit hesitantly. If the dwarf was about to offer him a drink it would be the first time, and quite out of character. Instead he merely sighed looked over at him, his eyes holding some secret that Sebastian was uncertain he truly wished to share. Varric's conscience must have won out in the end, as took a long swig of his ale and spoke again.

“I'm going to tell you something, and if you ever hint to Hawke that I told you this even your chantry walls won't be able to keep me from putting a bolt into you, you got that?”

He nodded, now more confused than ever. Was there something going on with Ida that he was unaware of? Something she was keeping from him, though he felt certain she trusted him well enough to speak of any issue she had. Perhaps they were not as close as he thought. The mystery behind Varric's words troubled him, and he found himself leaning forward in the chair in anticipation of what the dwarf was about to reveal.

“The reason she hasn't been around is, for some unfathomable reason even to me, she's head over heels for you. Completely starry eyed. Like a lost sailor who sees the coast, like a love sick puppy, like a – well, you get the picture.”

Varric paused, focused on Sebastian and his reaction to his revelation.

 _Sweet Andraste._ Sebastian lowered his head in disbelief. This was far from what he had expected. Some trouble with the templars perhaps, or a sudden lack of faith in the Maker she did not wish him to discover. Even a realization that he was not good enough to be near her, despite how that idea conflicted with her welcoming nature. But this?

_She loved him._ He could scarcely believe it, but what gain would there be for Varric to lie to him? He could just have easily kept this knowledge to himself, kept the secret Ida must have promised him to never share, least of all with Sebastian. Then why, precisely,  _was_ Varric telling him this? He had not prodded for information, but simply voiced his concern over Ida's absence. If this was information she did not want him to have he had no right to it, no matter how it caused his heart to race in his chest. 

“She-” He started, questions bubbling up in him faster than he could voice them. Varric cut him off before he managed to get even one out.

“Hold on and let me finish, kid. You need to hear this and I guess I'm the one's gotta say it. This shit always comes down to me, doesn't it?” He took another drink, seeming to build himself up for what was to come next. “You see, the thing is being near you is like taking lyrium for her. _It feels good,_ but she knows it's only going to lead to some shit all end. She's a smart girl, smarter than she lets on, so she's doing what she's got to to get over this _thing_ she has for you. Avoiding you's the easiest way.”

Sebastian frowned, thinking over Varric's words. It added up, made fair enough sense. Of course Ida would assume her feelings were not reciprocated; he was a brother of the Chantry and had made known vows that permitted the return of them, or at least a return of her feelings in many of the traditional senses. To avoid him in entirety though – was that really what must occur?

“So, you're going to go back to the Chantry and keep letting Princess move on, alright?” Varric motioned his hand towards the distant and unseen Chantry, pulling Sebastian from his reverie. The dwarf's gaze was stern as he looked over at him, though not unkind. “Don't break her heart teasing her with things she knows she can't have. You're not a bad guy, choir boy. In fact you're freakishly _good,_ so you gotta know this is the best thing for our girl.”

He nodded absently to Varric's orders, his mind still wrestling to process what he had learned. Would it be right to do as Varric said and leave Ida to slowly sort through her feelings for him until there were none left? It could very well prove the kindest option in the end, to let her fade from his life like everyone else he had once cared for. What was there left for him to give, anyway, if he asked her to change her plan? Had he even the right to ask such a thing?

_No. No, he could not be so selfish._ Varric had the truth of it – any hopes he reinforced in Ida of a future with him were sure to end in heartbreak. Sebastian could not subject her to that, or himself. It was hard enough as it was to hear his love for her was requited and be unable to act upon it. Perhaps it was best for the both of them that Ida had taken the initiative and walked away. And yet...

“Now, you gonna stick around for a drink or high tail it out of here?”

He lifted his eyes once again to look at Varric, who was watching him thoughtfully from behind the lip of his mug. “I-I am not certain what to say.” His voice was shakier than he expected it to be when he spoke, betraying the uncertainty behind it. “Thank you, Varric. I'll take your words to heart. You're right that it would be wrong to be so inconsiderate of Ida's feelings.”

Varric groaned, shook his head. “Then why do I feel like you're about to go do something stupid that I _just_ told you not to do?”

“I'm sorry, I should go. There's a lot I have to consider.”

Sebastian pushed himself up from his seat, his movements feeling slow and far away in the dazed fog of his mind. He gave Varric a quick nod of his head in goodbye and headed towards the door, catching the slightest sound of a sigh from the dwarf as he left the tavern.

 

* * *

 

Sebastian fully intended to return to the Chantry. There he could sit in the quiet of the temple and reflect, take time to think through everything that was now one loud mess in his mind. His feet, however, seemed to have a motive of their own, and led him further from his home and closer to the clinic where he now realized Ida was spending much of her time.

By the time he left Lowtown his mind was made up. There was not as much to think over as he imagined – Ida loved him, and of course he loved her back. The only thing to do was to let her know. There was no harm in that, no breaking of vows with feelings alone.

Sebastian was grateful it was still early in the day as he made his way through Darktown. Had he been traveling its roads and alley ways in the dark of night he would likely have a harder time making it to his destination – the dirty and cramped streets of the world beneath the city were no space place to outsiders. Even now he felt eyes watch him as he hurried past, eying his gleaming armor with both hatred and greed. It would fetch a nice price in the right circles, would feed a family for months.

When the small clinic came into view Sebastian breathed a sigh of relief. It was safe here, or as safe as anywhere could be in a city that seemed intent on devouring itself. This was a place of healing, and though he may frown upon the methods used, it did good for the people of Kirkwall and that was all that truly mattered. His only real issue with it was if on the off chance a templar noticed the magic being performed here they would take Ida away to the circle without a second thought. He worried over Anders' fate as well, as more often than not the two mages worked at the clinic together.

Sebastian's steps slowed as he approached the door until he had stopped altogether. _What was he doing here?_ What good could come of what he planned? Sebastian bit his lip, almost turned on his heel and walked away; he was questioning himself yet again. Laughter drifting out of the clinic from an open window reached him though, and he stood his ground. Ida was in there, he now knew for certain. The sound of her voice pulled him in, banishing what doubts lingered.

He pushed open the door and stepped inside, noticing at once the only other two occupants of the small space. Ida and Anders sat together on an empty cot, animated in their private discussion. Both turned and looked to the door when he walked in, probably expecting a patient in his place.

“Hello Lady Hawke, Anders” he said, smiling to each in turn.

Ida returned his smile with one of her own, her eyes crinkling at the corners in the way Sebastian had become so familiar with. “Oh, hello Sebastian!”

If they were surprised to see him it did not register on their faces. He had no delusions that Anders' was happy to see him here, however. The mage never warmed to Sebastian no matter how hard he tried to befriend him. Ida on the other hand could barely contain the glow from her smile as she looked over at him. Had she always looked at him in such a way? How had he missed the truth of her expressions before now?

It took him a moment to realize the two mages were looking at him expectantly. _Yes, of course,_ he thought, _don't just stand here like an idiot._ With a slight clearing of his throat he addressed Ida. “May I speak with you for a moment in private?”

Before she had a chance to respond Anders scoffed from beside her and threw him a sharp look. “So you can tell her how she should turn herself over to the templars?”

“Anders, please.” Ida stood, looked down at Anders with a slight crease of frustration on her brow. He shook his head at her as she walked to Sebastian where she again started to smile. “Of course we can talk. Here, lets go outside.”

He followed her out of the door, shutting it firmly behind him. Ida had wandered a few feet away and was waiting for him, guilt overtaking her previously bright expression. She was wringing her hands at her waist by the time he met her where she stood. “I'm sorry I haven't stopped by to see you lately, Sebastian. I've just been rather busy with the clinic and helping Mother around-”

“There's no need to apologize,” he interrupted.

“Right. Of course not.” At his words the guilt disappeared from her face, as did her excuses. She shook her head as if to clear her thoughts, then quickly looked him in the eyes, concerned. “What was it you wanted to talk about? Is something wrong?”

 _Was something wrong?_ Something was _right_ now that he was standing here with Ida, yet even now he found it difficult to form the words he wanted to say. There was still the wall built of years of vows and chants and loss that needed to be breached and broken down.

“No, no, nothing is wrong.”

“Oh good. You had me worried for a moment! Look, my hand is shaking!” She held out her hand, thin and delicate, and it was indeed trembling, though Sebastian couldn't be certain whether it was from worry or nerves. He reached out and clasped it with both of his hands, feeling the roughness of her skin on his, callouses from her staff matching those from his bow. Her hand was warm, pulsing with life and the magic that ran through her like wild fire.

“Is that better?”

Her cheeks started to blush in rosy pinks as she did her best to keep her eyes on his and not dart away. “Yes, thank you.”

Again Sebastian paused to look at the woman who stood before him, whose hand still rested in his. She was young, though not untested by the world. She had faced hardships and still remained kind and gentle, as he himself aspired to remain. Together they had helped the people of the city, and alone she had helped him in moments of wavering faith. It could not be too much to ask the Maker that he be allowed to love her and have her love in return – they had suffered enough to be denied this one pleasure.

Ida was watching him patiently, waiting for him to continue. Sebastian had the notion she would have waited without end before rushing him into speaking when he was not ready. He could never keep her waiting long though. “I was looking for you today and I found Varric in the Hanged Man instead.”

“Oh,” she laughed and it was nervous laughter, hitching in the last second, betraying her. _She knows I know,_ he thought. _She knows Varric told her secret._ “Yes he's there pretty often isn't he? I try to get him out for some fresh air but you know...”

She trailed off, defeated. Her eyes had taken on the look of a doe caught in the sights of his bow, ready to flee if only she could look away. He squeezed her hand, attempted to give her a reassuring smile but he was just as frightened of what he said next as she was. He took a breath and said one more silent prayer to whoever was listening.

_It was now or never._

“If what you truly want is to forget about me I cannot stop you, nor will I try to change your mind. It is your decision.” He waited until Ida nodded her head, showed she understood and knew exactly what he was talking about. “It may be selfish of me to be here now, to be about to say this, and Maker forgive me if I make this harder on you, but I need you to know.” It was now he felt her hand trembling again, and this time his were doing the same. He made no effort to stop them, but instead focused all he had into looking in to the blue of Ida's eyes and keeping his voice from breaking. “I love you, Ida.”

Her eyes widened and he felt the shift of her hand as it slid out from its place in his. To his dismay she took a step backward. “Oh, Seb, don't...”

Sebastian remained where he was, let his hands fall to his side. He wanted to step forward and hold her hand again and to feel the heat flow from her into him, to be reassured and validated by her easy smile. She was keeping her distance, though, anxiously wringing her hands.

But she had not left. She was still waiting; for a another confession, for a request, for _something._

“Be with me?” His voiced sounded weak even to his own ears. It should have been strong, but his hope was failing the further away she stood. “I-I can't promise you everything but I _can_ promise I will respect and love you as you deserve.”

“What about your vows? I can't let you throw those away, I won't.” Of course she would think of his need before her own. That's what it was – that's what all of it was. She had avoided him because she knew staying would be hard on her, and now she hesitated to accept his proposal because it would be _hard on him._

Sebastian found himself able to smile, albeit weakly. “The Maker is about love and acceptance. Surely there is a way for his children to keep their vows and faith as well as live his ideals. We can find it, together.”

The silence after his words stretched on for so long he thought he had his answer. Ida had looked away, back towards the doors of the clinic where he knew her escape waited. He was just about to speak, to tell her he understood and would stay away when she turned her gaze back to him and flung herself into his arms. Had he not the quick reflexes of years of training Sebastian would have tumbled backwards at the force of her embrace, but instead was able to catch her and wrap his lean arms around her, holding onto her back to keep her close. Her hair was on his neck, her breath on his cheek and the way she clung to him was answer enough to his question.

 _Maker forgive me,_ he prayed. He wanted this more than he should, more than he had wanted anything for a long time. For now her embrace and her quiet love and companionship would be enough, but there would come a day when he wanted more, and when that day came he would face another hard choice. He only hoped that with Ida by his side he would have the strength to face it.


End file.
